Roller Coaster Ride

This is a roller coaster ride for sure.  One moment I am up, positive, things are going to be okay.

I am watching positive, upbeat Ted Talks.

Life is good

Then I decide to check the Sarcoma unit information at Mount Sinai to see what I should prep for.----- Really BAD idea.

I think I need to go back to going with the flow.

Anxiety attack.... you betcha

FEAR of this not going well .... yep went there too

So I turned off all the images on the screens and stopped.

I went and pulled out one of my Angle Cards.  I look at the picture, a happy women with her legs dangling in the water, health and good.  I decide that I am that woman.

I have the confidence in God that everything is going to be all right..... as long as I stay off the internet!!

Not all sunshine and roses.... but still, I am learning how to process information differently and reframe it.

Still sucks

But that's okay too.

In the end I will have an adventure... wherever it takes me

Insomnia

Seem to have a case of insomnia.  One of the difficulties is thinking too much about having cancer.  Wondering what the surgery will be like.  Wondering if I will have radiation and chemotherapy.  Praying it is not spreading as I wait for the surgery on February 8th.  Thinking about "Sarcoma".  Reframing these thoughts to a lump in my thigh they are taking out.  Breathing deeply, going through all my chakras,  going through the walking down the stairs meditation, walking on the beach meditation. 4 breath meditation.  Still awake.

Then I tell myself, I can't sit here all night thinking about this stuff.  Not productive.

So I moved on to Mangos.... yep you heard me Mangos.  Yesterday I told my husband to replace chocolate with mangos.  I really like chocolate, and my diet has not been the best, but I also like Mango's just as much.  So as the diet changes, fresh mangos become the chocolate of choice.  So if you are dropping by and thinking of getting me a treat to cheer me up, bring a mango.

For breakfast I had a papaya.

I've pulled out the vegetable juicer to get more green stuff into me.  I've been eating fresh fruit, frozen berries.

The vegetable juicer is the best solution for me (as I mix it with grapes, pears, apples, Kale, spinach, cucumber , carrots and other green things that I just gag on when placed on the dinner table).  Fruit and veggie mix make it go down better.  Add a bit of ginger.... for some zing.

I am looking for a way to get the micro nutrients into my body.

I have stopped all aspartame drinks and foods

I've stopped foods with labels that have words that are too long to pronounce.  If it is processed and packaged too much, then I am not eating it.

I am not having "protein shakes" that come in a jar but instead the high micronutrient veggie and juice shakes with greek yogurt with fresh ingredients I gride up myself.

I am finding it hard to eat a lot of meat.  It doesn't digest well.  Bit of chicken, little bit of beef.

Tonight was chicken, broccoli and sweet potato.  Ate more broccoli and sweet potato then chicken.  That's a change for me.  My body doesn't want large quantities of meat.  Red meat is especially hard for me to digest these days.  Gives me heartburn.

Anyhow, the ramblings of insomnia.  Mind jumps from one subject to the next.  3:03 a.m.

I wonder why people look at the clock so much when they get insomnia.  I know I am not the only one who does that.  Then I do that calculation, if I can get to sleep within the next 20 minutes, then I can get 3 more hours of sleep tonight.  As the night goes on, the calculation of potential sleep goes down.  Then about 45 minutes before the alarm, I am asleep like a baby and could sleep for hours.  Waking up the first thought is "really???"

I am, for the most part, a very cheery person in the morning.  Even when I am tired.

Ok Insomnia, lets try saying goodbye for tonight. Don't visit too often Insomnia.  Your tire me out.

Life.... the series

Tonight we were watching a british TV documentary series called Life.

We watched two episodes (on Netflix).  One about Reptiles and the other about Mammals.

Both boys are snuggled on either side of me, making boy comments.  When a lizard eats a bug it crunches, and one boy said, just like potato chips!

The funniest comment was my 5 year old son.  We are watching Reindeer.  The camera sweeps over a herd of Reindeer with millions of animals.  My 5 year old looks up at me with all seriousness and says "Mom, why are they running, Reindeer can fly, like with Santa".

The innocents of his age, his perspective hit me.

Looking at the world from his point of view, everything is amazing an magical

Grateful

Grateful

One of the interesting things I have been going through since the Sarcoma Cancer diagnosis is how grateful I am.

I am grateful that I was raised by two wonderful people who cared and loved their kids.

I am grateful that I was able to get a university education and a good career.

I am grateful for my husband, words can not even begin to describe the love, and joy, and peace and wonderfulness of this man.

I am grateful for my two boys,  their eyes look like my Mom's, they laugh and smile every day (and yes they fight with each other too).

I have my Dad, my sister, all my brother in laws, Mother in  law, Father in laws (I am lucky I have 2 Father in laws).

The people at my work are fantastic.

Life is really good.

I feel good about who I am

I feel very optimistic and positive.

I am grateful for owls - reminding me of my inner journey

I am grateful for my cottage a piece of heaven where the world slows down to being with nature and family and friends

I am grateful to all of my friends and coworkers who have offered to help after the surgery.  I am grateful that I can accept the offer when we need it.  Many people in the world are looking for and praying for the offer of help.  I am blessed.  

I am grateful for life, for living, breathing, laughing.

I have that feeling deep in my heart, everything is going to be okay, and this side trip down Sarcoma lane will make me a better person, open me up, bring forth more of my light into the world.

The love of a Mom

The love I feel for my boys is so beautiful.  Tonight I took pictures of them sleeping.

My 5 year old sleeps in his bed cave of stuffed animals.

Though the weeks ahead will have its ups and downs.  My goal is clear.  Take out the lump in my leg and grow old raising these two angels of mine.

My Mom is with me, in spirit, giving me her strength to carry on.  The world is such a beautiful and sacred place to experience my life on.

I am truly blessed.

Lesson on defining me

Here is some information about me.  I am a wife (soon to be age 48) I have two boys age 5 and 8 (I had my kids late in life).  I am married to my fantastic husband

My career is in Human Resources since 1994.  After 20+ years of experience I have assisted many people during the times of their lives when illness has come to themselves or their family.

One of the opportunities I have now, is to be on the other side of the table, and learn from this.

I have the reassurance of family at home.

Being away from work when there is a time of restructuring, job redesign, even my office is moving is unsettling and has thrown me for a loop.

People who know me, will understand my domestic skills are not my strong point.  So being at home all day is like trapping me in a cage. If you drop by my house I can guarantee you will not find it tidy, organize or vacuumed.  When you ring the doorbell I will let you in then quickly  excuse myself and clean the toilet and sink before you can discover my bathroom.

My idea of home making is doing that mad rush once a month when I know company is coming to clean everything up.  It is a 5 hour power clean, and I become a Drill Sargent to my kids ordering them to clean up their rooms NOW.  Everybody is miserable and frantic, but resigned it is something that must get done.  Grumpy doesn't even begin to describe the emotions around cleaning.

If you drop by unexpected, you have to deal with whatever you find when you get here and please let me clean the bathroom as you arrive. -- remember I have two small BOYS AND we don't have yellow tile in our bathroom floor.  Nor do I decorate with toothpaste on the counters or mirror as part of my decor.

I am one of those people who have 50 pairs of underwear so I only have to do laundry every 4-6 weeks

My husband does the kids laundry, buys the groceries, does all the cooking, takes out the garbage. Cuts the grass, shovels the snow.

I don't cook, or bake.  I don't do crafts.

Before you judge... I work a full time job that I LOVE leaving the house at 7:30 a.m. and returning at 6:15pm.

My husband works a part time job so he has the time to do the laundry, grocery shopping and kids stuff.  We are a bit of a reversed household.  He is actually really good at that stuff.  Along with being good at video games, computers, reads the same fictional fantasy books, plays D&D and takes care of us.

I don't tend to connect with many other women.

I absolutely cringe at the idea of watching chick flick movies or any historical romantic movies where other woman I talk to seem to melt at the idea of these movies - they make my skin crawl.

We don't have cable TV, so no, I don't know who the latest hollywood actors are, I don't know the cool TV shows, and I don't watch reality TV, and I probably never will.

I play dungeons and dragons, video games on the PS4.  I read spiritual growth books (new age).  I read about past lives, intuition, meditation, the universe, mediums, Authors such as Neal Donald Walsch, Wayne Dyer, Ekhart Tolle, George Anderson,  James Van Praagh

  I like horror movies - the really bad ones such as Evil Dead, or the ironic ones - cabin in the woods.  I  enjoy movies such as Monty  Python's the Holy Grail, Bubba hotap, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, all of the Lord of the Ring movies, Star Wars, Avenger/Marvel movies. (but I don't like spiderman).

 I  like documentaries, and  weather disaster movies.

I don't really get offended easily, I watch the stand up comedians on Netflix and laugh at jokes that as someone working in Human Resources I could never even repeat at work without getting fired.

I love Youtube.  That is a wild place to be.  One moment watching about the Titanic, the next about talking to the dead, the next about new technology, then quantum physics.  There is so many interesting things on You Tube.

I read Fantasy novels (Authors such as David Eddings, Margaret Weis, Terry Pratchett, J.R. Tolkien) about dragons and quests, dark elves, dwarfs, treasure, and orcs.

I play cribbage and Euchre.

I read to my children and snuggle up with them and listen.  I love to listen to my boys.  See how they are viewing life.  Listen to their questions, their thoughts, their conversations.    We make a lot of jokes about the words "Chicken Butt" in our house - and sing silly songs.

My heart place is at my cottage.  In the hammock, watching the water, looking at the birds, the bugs, the grass, the rock.  Just being there in nature swinging back and forth on a warm summers day.  Listening to my kids play, and the fun conversations they have.  Being with my Dad, having the pleasure to get to know him as not just my Dad but another soul having this incredible journey.  The cottage -- That is heaven.

In my day to day life, where I feel like I accomplish something, contribute the most is at work.  It hits all my success buttons.  I enjoy the interactions with the people at work.  I enjoy the challenges that people bring to me.  I enjoy being part of the team that can make the whole corporation succeed.  Each of the departments I work with have different needs, different focuses, they all do fascinating work, with good people, and I can be part of that. I have a motto I carry around at me "Be Curious...Embrace Wisdom".  I am constantly learning from those around me at work.  Bright, intelligent, diverse people who really care about what they do, and the community.

The best part is I work in  municipal government.  It connects me to my everyday life. The things we take for granted every day. The water we drink and shower in, the sewage in the toilet going safely away, the garbage we put on the curb, the snow that is shovelled, the swim lessons, the dance classes, the parks we play in, the trails we walk down.  The new neighbourhoods we build. The sidewalks we walk on.  The environmental standards that are upheld, the bylaws, and traffic lights, and lines painted on the streets.  Look around any urban setting and everything you see is touched by municipal government to make living easier, comfortable, modern and as safe as it can be.

Now I am going to be off work for Months... and that changes a big definition of who I am.

With all the changes happening at work, this is the part of my life I feel most vulnerable.  where I have lost my voice by not being there.

My job is being split into two.  The one part I love, gives me passion and joy.  And the boring part, it's good knowledge, and creates some challenges, but I'm okay if someone else does part 2.

My fear is that the passion and joy part of my job will not be there for me.  That my absence I loose my ability to lobby for a great emotional and intellectual part of my daily life.  Its like trying to hold onto water, and slowly drowning down without any control.

I wonder how many others I have worked with in the 20+ years have felt the same way?  How many felt disempowered because they got sick and had to leave work?  Work is a big definition of our "doing" and "being" in life.  Did I reassure enough?  Did I protect them enough while they were off?  Did I connect enough?

Maybe this is just part of the entire FEAR emotion of getting the "Cancer" diagnoses.

My wonderful Husband got to hear me have a total breakdown about work.  I was crying and shaking and pleading with God that my joy at work isn't taken  away from me.

My kind loving man reminded me I have a job to go back to.  Does it really matter if I am "Happy" at that job, or that I have something to go back to?  I am the main bread winner of the household.  I am the only one with benefits.  I am our only pension.  There are thousands of people out there who would Love to do a job that is just "ok" with benefits, pension and you could walk out at the end of the day, go home without much of any challenge.  I've been luck to have a job with a passion behind it.  Would it be the end of the world if that changed?

No

The end of the world is if I am not here on earth to enjoy my kids, my family and my weird friends who like all the odd stuff that I like.

My job is not who I am

I am the mom who plays video games with her kids
I am  part of a Dungeon & Dragon group that meets every six weeks to find treasure and kill dragons.
I am the person that is meditating and talking to my deceased Mom, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents God... in that new age kinda way. - I am "that one" in the family.  :)

I already have lined up, when I am back up on my feet and healthy, I am getting a big tattoo of an Owl that everybody will see.  I might even put a little purple dye in my hair.

(The only reason I am waiting on the Tattoo is that I figure mixing cancer treatments and tattoos is not wise)

It is time.....
Shake it all up.
Hug the world and enjoy.

Life is GOOD. (and a bit surreal)

In the beginning.... there was intuition

On December 21, 2015 I thought I had pulled a muscle.

I grumbled a bit to my coworkers that I had pulled a muscle in my left thigh.  Just annoying, nothing more.  Put it out of my mind.

Continued on celebrating Christmas and New Years.  Then I go back to work on January 4th.  I still have that pulled muscle on the top of my left thigh.

I make a doctors appointment, see the doctor on January 13th, and she feels the lump, and orders an ultrasound for February 1st.

Here is where the intuition starts.  On Tuesday January 19, 2016 my leg started to tingle, my foot went numb and my muscle really started to hurt.  I was standing in front of my desk when the thoughts ER came to my head.  Instead I tried to call my doctor.  It was 4:10pm and they are open to 4:30pm.  When I called I got the office is closed message, which confirmed they should still be open to 4:30pm, somehow they had closed early.

I got a strong sense I should get this looked after now, today.  So I told my coworker I was leaving and driving to the Hospital on the way home to get it checked out.  I felt I needed that ultrasound sooner rather than later.  In my head I was worried about a blood clot.

This has started a new journey in my life.  I got the ultrasound and the doctor in emergency sat me down and said I had a mass, a cancerous mass called a sarcoma a very rare form of cancer, and I was to go get an MRI and CT scan the next day.

I have two small boys age 5 and age 8.  All I could think was about them.  This can't be happening.  The world spinned.... and anxiety rose.  FEAR.  That poured through every vessel in my body.  FEAR engulfed all my senses.  I can't leave my boys yet.  They need their Mom.  I need to see them grow up.  My husband needs me too.

On Friday we got the confirmation - Sarcoma--- then we got the surgery date Feb 8, 2016.  Now I wait.

Picked up some good anxiety medication and started this journey.

Now I have a choice here.  To wallow in self pity, post on the internet poor me, oh my god, life is not fair posts.

OR

Take this as an opportunity to review my life, to create something fuller, richer, more connected.  This can be a blessing in disguise, if I choose to go down that path.

It is all about choices.  I still feel the emotion of FEAR, but I don't have to live in this emotion.

I have spent the last few days meditating, reflecting, and breathing deeply.  Just being.  It's all going to be okay.

I love the symbol of the owl.  It reminds me of wisdom.  Of reflecting on what is around me and embracing that which I create and experience.  The owl is the oracle of knowledge.  They are aware.

The owl symbol reminds me that I am not just this human being, but something grander, a spiritual being on a journey of discovery, learning, knowledge, curious, aware... wisdom of life.

On The night of July 31, 2014 I had a dream with an owl.  It looked right at me and turned its head to the side. It felt like a soul connection.  It confirmed my affinity for Owls.  I felt I met a guide in my life.  The next day I went out and bought owls for my bedroom to watch over us as we sleep.