In the beginning.... there was intuition

On December 21, 2015 I thought I had pulled a muscle.

I grumbled a bit to my coworkers that I had pulled a muscle in my left thigh.  Just annoying, nothing more.  Put it out of my mind.

Continued on celebrating Christmas and New Years.  Then I go back to work on January 4th.  I still have that pulled muscle on the top of my left thigh.

I make a doctors appointment, see the doctor on January 13th, and she feels the lump, and orders an ultrasound for February 1st.

Here is where the intuition starts.  On Tuesday January 19, 2016 my leg started to tingle, my foot went numb and my muscle really started to hurt.  I was standing in front of my desk when the thoughts ER came to my head.  Instead I tried to call my doctor.  It was 4:10pm and they are open to 4:30pm.  When I called I got the office is closed message, which confirmed they should still be open to 4:30pm, somehow they had closed early.

I got a strong sense I should get this looked after now, today.  So I told my coworker I was leaving and driving to the Hospital on the way home to get it checked out.  I felt I needed that ultrasound sooner rather than later.  In my head I was worried about a blood clot.

This has started a new journey in my life.  I got the ultrasound and the doctor in emergency sat me down and said I had a mass, a cancerous mass called a sarcoma a very rare form of cancer, and I was to go get an MRI and CT scan the next day.

I have two small boys age 5 and age 8.  All I could think was about them.  This can't be happening.  The world spinned.... and anxiety rose.  FEAR.  That poured through every vessel in my body.  FEAR engulfed all my senses.  I can't leave my boys yet.  They need their Mom.  I need to see them grow up.  My husband needs me too.

On Friday we got the confirmation - Sarcoma--- then we got the surgery date Feb 8, 2016.  Now I wait.

Picked up some good anxiety medication and started this journey.

Now I have a choice here.  To wallow in self pity, post on the internet poor me, oh my god, life is not fair posts.

OR

Take this as an opportunity to review my life, to create something fuller, richer, more connected.  This can be a blessing in disguise, if I choose to go down that path.

It is all about choices.  I still feel the emotion of FEAR, but I don't have to live in this emotion.

I have spent the last few days meditating, reflecting, and breathing deeply.  Just being.  It's all going to be okay.

I love the symbol of the owl.  It reminds me of wisdom.  Of reflecting on what is around me and embracing that which I create and experience.  The owl is the oracle of knowledge.  They are aware.

The owl symbol reminds me that I am not just this human being, but something grander, a spiritual being on a journey of discovery, learning, knowledge, curious, aware... wisdom of life.

On The night of July 31, 2014 I had a dream with an owl.  It looked right at me and turned its head to the side. It felt like a soul connection.  It confirmed my affinity for Owls.  I felt I met a guide in my life.  The next day I went out and bought owls for my bedroom to watch over us as we sleep.