Cateloupe

Warning medical photo

This is what my cantaloupe in my thigh looks like.  It is fascinating.

It does look like a cantaloupe under my skin.

Maybe I should name it lol

Update - Next Steps on the Wise Journey

Update smile emoticon

I got a call from my specialist last night so there is a plan (kind of) in place I thought I would share.

On Tuesday March 1st at 9:00 am I am going to Princess Margaret to meet the radiation oncologist specialist. There they will go over the plan in detail. I will also get a CT Scan on my thigh. This CT scan will be reviewed by specialists (including a physicist which I thought was interesting) to make a personal radiation profile for my leg.

Radiation will start 10 – 14 days after that appointment once they have set up the system for my sarcoma

This radiation will be for 5 days a week (M-F) for 5 weeks.

Then they will give my skin some time to heal up from the radiation treatment. This healing usually takes about 5 weeks, they also do more MRI’s and CT scans during that healing time.

After healing the surgery will be scheduled to remove the sarcoma. I may have follow up surgeries to reconstruct the leg. They are giving me “hints” that my mobility at the end of all this will be affected. Luckily I have a desk job

My best guess at a schedule is

March 1st – Meet the doctors
March 14th – April 15th – Radiation at Princess Margaret
April 16th – May 22nd – Healing the skin (and some more MRI, CT Scans)
Sometime around the week of May 23rd – May 27th – 1st surgery to remove sarcoma
Healing time after surgery
Then potential more reconstructive surgery for my leg & more healing time

I am very grateful to finally have a rough plan in place.

Thanks for all your support.

The mistress of pain

Today's reflection is on pain.  I am doing my best to limit the pain medications I am taking.  How many pharmaceuticals does one need in their body?

So last night I had an uncomfortable night and gave up and took the pain med at 5:00 a.m.

There is both pros and cons with pain.

On the pro side, pain really connects you to your body.  Helps you listen to what is going on.  Creates a bond that actually helps me meditate, and feel "love" for me.  I think positive thoughts and have images of little workmen in my body scooping out and blasting (evaporating) all the lump stuff, leaving me healthy.  It is a focal point of using my mind to blast it with love and positivity.

On the con side --- pain sucks.  After a while it becomes too focused, and I need to use the medications to bring it down a notch or two.  I have yet to master the art of meditating all day and all night long.

There are lot of connections between pleasure and pain.  Without one, you do not know the other.

It's a sensory experience.  I would rather not have the pain experience, but it is teaching me.  My Mom was in pain  for 18 years before she died.  She handled it with dignity and bravery.  I always felt compassion for her pain, now having the experience of it myself, it takes my compassion deeper for myself and others.  Walk a mile in my shoes experience, where you realize how much us humans need each others compassion and love especially in times of pain.

My boys are the best medicine.  (In that I include my two sons ages 5 and 8, my husband and my Dad).  Seeing the world through the eyes of my kids, the wonder and enthusiasm of the little things in life.  Both boys snuggle up to me, hold my hand, give me lots of hugs and kisses.  Then my Dad who is 86, you would call him an old soul is wise, loving man who wraps me in his hugs and makes everything feel ok.  No matter how old you get, the love of "Mommy and Daddy" matter.  Mom's looking over me from the spirit dimension.  Dad is here holding me and loving me.  Of course my husband Chris who is keeping our family together, running the house, holding me when I cry, making the meals, doing the laundry.  He is amazing.

Gratitude.  I am very grateful for all I have in my life.

Reflecting & Waiting

This last few days have been about reflection, healing and waiting for the next event.

On the healing part, my thigh is still a bummer, and I don't sit for long periods of times (leg doesn't like bending with the cantaloupe inside of it and stitches).  Luckily God gave us medication. :)

A friend of mine has asked me to read her biography draft book.  It has given me lots to reflect on my own life.  When this book gets published it will be very helpful to lots of people.  The part I am reflecting on is in the Owl quote above, what do I need to let go in my life view that I no longer need.

Her book has a completely different path, but it does get one thinking of one's own life experience and how it shapes us.

We all grow up with life patterns we start learning as children, that make up who we are, how we react to situations.  I am figuring out I am an extroverted shy person.  Here is why (I think.... still reflecting)

As a kid (kindergarten to Grade 8) I was teased by my peers, spent most of my time alone on the playground hiding from the tormentors. I was always afraid of making a mistake, or doing something that would center me out for ridicule or bullying.

You have to remember this was the late 1970's early 1980's and bullying was just what kids did.

Here is one example of what I went through that shaped my worldview.  In public school our grade 7 and 8 class went to another school (about 4 kms away) to go to home economics and shop class.  We walked there and back in a group.  In one of the home economics classes I became the target of a two girls who spread their "game" to the larger group of 35 students.  The game was for people to hit me on my left arm only, nowhere else.  So they chased me around the classroom (teacher ignored it); chased me the 4km back to our school hitting only on my left arm.  I had lots of bruises.  The "mob" effect was well in place, however two brave two girls asked me if I was okay (Emma and Cindy).  That still means something to me.  I also learned to be the one to ask "are you okay", and get involved if I see someone being picked on.  I know how much that means inside to have someone stand up for you.

I went home, showed my parents my bruised and swollen left arm, who were upset and set up an appointment with the teacher. When we went to see the teacher he said, kids will be kids.  Then went on to give an example of last year they took one girls brand name shoes cut them up and destroyed them in front of her in the school yard leaving her without any shoes to wear.  His point to this shoe story was to tell  me and my parents that this is how kids are and you have to suck it up.  He also didn't want to tell one girls parents what happened because she was from a rough household and would probably get beaten up, so better to keep it quiet for her sake.

Now I hope that wouldn't happen in today's schools.

In reflection, the two girls who started this game where both from dysfunctional households, probably with physical and verbal abuse.  I was from a warm and loving family, where we hugged and said I love you every day.  I was the target because they couldn't cope with their really sad situation.  It was made worse because the school knew and didn't rescue these poor kids who needed it more then me, as I went home to a safe place each day.

That is my adult point of view.  As a child, I sort of understood that my tormentors came from really sad and scary homes, but I didn't really understand it.  Today I feel empathy towards those kids, how much did they suffer at home? Did anybody ever stand up for them?  The bullies are the ones who need the most help and compassion.

How did I cope??

First, I only hung around adults.  I was an extravert with adults asking questions, making sure I could follow adult conversation thoughtfully (not like a kid), so I could talk about world news and politics etc..  This gave me acceptance.  When my parents went to house parties with other kids, I refused to go into the basement with the kids, I stayed upstairs with the adults.  Made sure I was useful, not in the way, and good to be around so I was not sent downstairs with the "kids".  I didn't even give these kids a chance, I just hid.  The adults would have pegged me for an extravert.

On the flip side I was shy deep inside I felt the cold hand of fear grip my insides every time I saw a peer (child peer) come my way.  I could not say hello to any other kids without someone forcing me to do so.  I didn't trust my peers.  My internal dialogue was always "Don't screw up so they won't hurt me".  I had a few friends.  Some from my neighbourhood, but they would not hang out with me at public school (as I was a target, you don't hang out with the target).  In childhood I was always waiting for my friends to tell me they didn't like me and dump me. I have to say, I really liked becoming an adult.

As an adult I started trusting my peers (at least the ones who matured emotionally).  I became more extraverted in some situations. In my 40's I am now more self aware of my behaviour, and other people's poor behaviour is much easier to see as nothing personal against me, it is how they are dealing (or not dealing with) their own personal demons.

The pattern I am noting is that even as an Adult I do hold back, deep inside I will hold back participating fully in social situations, making friends, even asking someone to lunch puts butterflies in my stomach.  Yet when someone asks me out for lunch I feel honoured that they would want to eat with me.  Which is odd.  Anyhow, I have lots of time in the next few months to reflect on being human and how us humans create patterns to deal with life.

I have time right now to look for opportunities to shake things up a little.  Right now I have invited peers at work to share my life in Facebook (not that watching pictures of my kids is that exciting).

 I am also saying yes to help when it is offered, but I have to say I have so many offers of help that  it's impossible to take people up on it right away, I am filing the offers in my brain and I will say yes when I need the help. Thankful and grateful for all the wonderful people out there I can call on.  It makes this current life journey much easier.

I focused above on some of the not so happy patterns in life.  Overall though, I learned a lot about the happy things in life too.   I have the family that say's I love you every day and hugs all around.  My home did mimic that of my family growing up.

My parents taught me to look at each person as you would look at them as a newborn baby.  I use that image often when I come across someone who I feel at that moment is a difficult person in front of me.  I look at them and think, they were once the newborn baby full of love and potential, and their life has brought them to this moment now. I calm down inside and think more loving, peaceful and welcoming thoughts about them.  Don't get me wrong, I am no saint.  Sometimes I just get annoyed and vent for a bit, have a bit of my own temper tantrum before I settle down and realise I don't need to go down that path.  Deep breath, try again.

Finally, the medical thing is getting interesting.
I talked to the specialist office today down at Mount Sinai Hospital by phone to check in on my biopsy results.  The biopsy is not ready yet.  They have a really neat approach.  They expect the biopsy results soon.  Then, on February 22nd there is a meeting of a group of doctors, technicians, researchers etc..to go over all the Sarcoma patients results and they talk together as a team about the next steps.  What a great way of looking at things.  Instead of one guy looking and results and saying this is what we need to do, a group collaborate together and review options and have discussions and can work through together the pros and cons before the patient gets the results.  This means it is well thought out before it gets to me, and gives me more confidence in the information being presented.

Focus

To there and back again

The trip to the hospital was a good experience.

I arrived on Sunday, they did an ecg, and took lots of blood.

Monday morning at 8am I was in the surgery room with a room full of very fun people.  I had freezing from my chest downwards, so I was awake during the procedure.

I got to see my MRI scans, and listen to them talk about the "lump".  It is a size of a cantaloupe and they took a slice out of it for a biopsy.  it looks like they took about a 1/2 cup amount of stuff out.  It was neat to see, it was like pink ooze from my point of view.

They send the biopsy to the lab, and the lab calls back to say it was a viable sample, so they stapled an sewed me back up.

The fun part of being awake was I could participate in the banter back and forth.

During one point the song "Hello" from Adele came on the radio.  Nurses where singing along.  For those who know me, I find Adele's high pitched voice hurts my ears when she hits certain notes.  I started to giggle, strapped down paralyzed listening to Adele sing hello.  Kinda like a modern form of torture.  (Of course I didn't tell the staff I don't like Adele.  They were all having fun singing away to the song.).  As long as the staff is happy, I am happy.  I need them to feel good while they are pulling stuff out of my leg.  A happy team is a good team!

So off to recovery I went.  That was fun too.  Everybody was in a good mood.  I had a nurse in training help out, so I was her test subject for the recovery room.  It was interesting to feel the freezing release from my body.  The bottom of my feet felt like tree bark (birch tree bark).  The back of my legs felt like the finest silk against the stretcher.  As the freezing wore off, I could wiggle my toes more, and bend my knees, all these different sensations came back to me.  Got to focus on my body and how it works, and the sensations of each moment.  Body meditation of sorts.

At the beginning, there was a real connection in my mind to those who are paralyzed all the time.  When first out of surgery, the nurse asked me to move my toes.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move my toes.  She placed ice on my toes, I felt nothing.  For me it was a temporary experience.

A ah ha experience when off in my head. This is how some people in our world live their lives each day.  Being able to see their legs, but with all their will, not having them move.  Was not scary for me as I know mine was temporary, but I could imagine the fear of someone who suddenly finds themselves in this state for the rest of their lives.  Something to ponder on.  Appreciate.  Learn from.

The next step will be biopsy results, probably radiation to reduce the cantaloupe down for removal, and maybe Chemotherapy.

After the surgery, I have had this inner peace which is amazing.  I am not worried.  I am feeling grateful, blessed, loved and at peace.  The anxiety seems to have melted away.

The journey is not completed, and the road is still ahead of me.  I am not worried.  Peace envelops me.

One of my favorite Poems has always been "The road not taken" By Robert Frost and it really spoke to me about my last few days (and my life in general)

The Road Not Taken

BY ROBERT FROST

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

puzzling

Diseases and Conditions

Risk factors

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Factors that may increase your risk of sarcoma include:

• Inherited syndromes. A risk of soft tissue sarcoma can be inherited from your parents. Genetic syndromes that increase your risk include hereditary retinoblastoma, Li-Fraumeni syndrome, familial adenomatous polyposis, neurofibromatosis, tuberous sclerosis and Werner syndrome.
• Chemical exposure. Being exposed to certain chemicals, such as herbicides, arsenic and dioxin, may increase the risk of soft tissue sarcomas.
• Radiation exposure. Previous radiation treatment for other cancers can increase the risk of soft tissue sarcomas.

Soft tissue sarcoma

Print

Causes

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Multimedia

• 
  Soft tissue sarcoma

In most cases, it's not clear what causes soft tissue sarcoma.

In general, cancer occurs when cells develop errors (mutations) in their DNA. The errors make cells grow and divide out of control. The accumulating abnormal cells form a tumor that can grow to invade nearby structures and spread to other parts of the body.

The type of cell that develops the genetic mutation determines what type of soft tissue sarcoma you have. Some types of soft tissue sarcoma include:

• Alveolar soft part sarcoma
• Angiosarcoma
• Clear cell sarcoma
• Dermatofibrosarcoma protuberans
• Desmoplastic small round cell tumor
• Epithelioid hemangioendothelioma
• Epithelioid sarcoma
• Extrarenal rhabdoid tumor
• Fibrosarcoma
• Gastrointestinal stromal tumor
• Hemangiosarcoma
• Infantile fibrosarcoma
• Inflammatory myofibroblastic tumor
• Kaposi's sarcoma
• Leiomyosarcoma
• Liposarcoma
• Lymphangiosarcoma
• Malignant fibrous histiocytoma
• Malignant peripheral nerve sheath tumor
• Myofibrosarcoma
• Myxofibrosarcoma
• Neurofibrosarcoma
• Perivascular epitheliod cell tumor (PEComa)
• Rhabdomyosarcoma
• Synovial sarcoma
• Undifferentiated, unclassified soft tissue sarcomas

• Symptoms
• Risk factors

Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic Staff

A soft tissue sarcoma may not cause any signs and symptoms in its early stages. As the tumor grows, it may cause:

• A noticeable lump or swelling
• Pain, if a tumor presses on nerves or muscles

When to see a doctor

Make an appointment with your doctor if you have any persistent signs and symptoms that worry you.

Here is what everybody is thinking.  They won't say it out loud.  But each and every one of you will want to look this up, just to know...

This year, approximately 11,930 people (6,610 males and 5,320 females) will be diagnosed with soft-tissue sarcoma in the United States. An estimated 4,870 adults and children (2,600 males and 2,270 females) are expected to die of the disease this year.

The five-year survival rate is the percentage of people who survive at least five years after the cancer is found. The five-year survival rate of people with localized sarcomas is 83%, and the five-year survival rate for regional stage sarcomas is 54%. When sarcomas spread to distant parts of the body, the five-year survival rate is 16%. When the sarcoma starts in an arm or leg, the five-year survival rates are slightly higher for each stage.

It is important to note that the length of time a person lives with sarcoma depends on many factors, including the size of the tumor, where it is located, the type, how fast the tumor cells are growing and dividing, and whether it is deep. If the sarcoma is diagnosed at an early stage and hasn’t spread from where it started, treatment is very effective and many people can be cured. On the other hand, if the sarcoma has spread to other parts of the body, treatment can usually control the tumor, but it is not often curable. Learn more in the Stages and Grades section.

Cancer survival statistics should be interpreted with caution. These estimates are based on data from thousands of people with this type of cancer, so the actual risk for a particular individual may be different. It is not possible to tell a person how long he or she will live with sarcoma. Because the survival statistics are measured in five-year intervals, they may not represent advances made in the treatment or diagnosis of this cancer. Learn more about understanding statistics.

KEEP READING.... THERE IS A POINT

Why can't we talk about the stats openly?  What is the fear.  The fear is if we talk about the statistics, then maybe they will die.

Its a fundamental question of looking into our own mortality.

How long do we have?

Could I be hit by a bus tomorrow?

Could I live to be 1556765566776786846757nX3e2+m502 and everybody that has every been of my life circle  is gone, including you. I'm the last one standing. I am the past witnessing the most never ending future.  To the end of infinity. It is spectacular

Body thoughts

So today my body is all over the place.

I use a cane now to walk.  One minute I feel okay.  The next minute I am throwing up because of the pain.  Then I feel okay again.

Very weird.

I do have to say that the meditations I down loaded from Ibooks from Dr. Bernie Siegel has really helped.  After I lost my breakfast due to pain, I listened to a guided meditation and felt good again.

A good free source for all sorts of guided meditations is on Youtube called https://www.youtube.com/user/TheHonestGuys

I've been listening to them as well.

Amazing what meditation can do to help settle down the body.

Life is good
So is meditation

Experiment - out of my comfort zone

So one of the cardinal rules of being an HR person is you keep your  personal life hidden from work.  So I rarely add people to facebook.  I don't talk much personal (except my kids).  It's all about keeping professional distance..... except.... we are all human?

One of the realizations I have had is that I need to get out of this comfort zone.  This "rule" has allowed  me to hide at work.  Makes me inaccessible as a person.

We are in this together?  I spend 50 hours a week with most of the people at work.  They are fantastic people!

What is my fear of sharing?

1. Professional fear, that I will be asked to do an investigation on someone for behaviour, conduct, safety.  But that's my job, so why should I let that get in the way. I always aim to be fair, look at the facts, and find a resolution.  I'm big on fairness.  So if I keep my ethics in place, then I should be fine.

2. Emotional Fear, I had a many jobs in the late 90's early 2000's where the place closed down.  One minute everybody is working happily, the next we are all laid off and the company is closed.  Lots of grief associated with losing a work family.

So I decided to get over myself.  Life is too short to define oneself by a narrow definition of a job title.

So I went out of my comfort zone and asked people I could find on my "suggested friends" list from the Town to be my facebook friend.  I really Like all the people I work with.  Why wouldn't I share?  There are amazing people at work.  Just because I am in "HR" doesn't mean I have a limitation on friendships.

Though I have to put out this disclaimer, my facebook is usually very boring (A slide show of my kids).

However, I have spiced it up a little bit with this whole Sarcoma Cancer thing.....

Though I think I could have found a more joyous way to spice up my life!  (I'm working on that)

Timing .....

Thanks to someone dear who called me yesterday I was introduced to Dr. Bernie Siegel.  I am just stating his pre-surgery meditations that I downloaded onto my I-Fruit

I believe there are no  coincidences, the timing or synchronicity of when this happened in my life is worth exploring.  It's part of looking at the journey.

I have a job that I love... My husband would say I have a passion for.  I care deeply what happens to those at work, and I want to help facilitate through my role in HR the best support, the best solutions possible.  I love learning about the business, and the business partner is a fulfilling part of my day.  The complexities, strategies, as well as realizing everybody has human emotions all tied into a workplace.   I work with people who are all good intentioned (different styles and personalities create opportunities) but I can honestly say everybody there has good intentions to make what we do as a municipality a top notch service and function of urban society.  I feel like I can do "good" here. for our world.  I care deeply.  I am not afraid to admit after working with some of the staff, that my heart hurts.  They have left my office and I've cried to myself. I hoped for them to find peace and joy and good health.

I leave the house at 7:30 a.m. and get home at 6:15 p.m. most nights after having a positive, fantastic day at work, but exhausted at the same time.  My family loses out.

I have a magnificent family life.  My husband and boys are the centre of my day to day life at home.  I also  have my Dad, my sister, my brother in laws, mother in laws, father in  laws, cousins, friends -- all a part of this wonderful family I have around me.

Life is good, it is beyond good, it is fantastic.

So whats the catch here? Why now?  What's the lesson in timing.

Lesson 1: Work found a fantastic person quickly to help out with the human side of my client group.  I feel better, that they are begin taken care of. I can let work go while I go through this experience.  Give myself the time to take the journey and explore what it all means.  I know that when I come back, I will have a different perspective.  What a relief I had after speaking with her today that I can take a deep breath, and allow that part of my life to move forward while I heal with full trust that everybody is going to be taken care of (I think that is my Mom in me).  I worry about others health, how they are coping, how to help make their job more joyful and easier to accomplish.

Lesson 2:  Time to reflect.  I may not have all the answers yet, but I have come up with some insights so far into the journey

• I discovered that I hold back on making emotional connections with people. I hesitate to reach out.  Not because I don't want to, but even though I seem very extraverted, in actual fact I have an inner introvert that pulls me back a bit.  When I say connect its about making connections to who people are as a person.  How do they like to have fun.  What's great about them that I can learn about? Can I get into the fun group or do I hold back and watch?  This is both at work, and at home with friends and neighbours. I think I hold back.  I am holding back, with an internal dialogue of caring and wanting to participate. Something to ponder on.

• I have discovered I need to rebalance my time by myself.  Time where I go for walks, contemplate the meaning of the universe, check in with me.  Re-evaluate how my life journey is going so far, think about the adjustments and "tweaks" I can make along the way.

• I have discovered that I am looking for that life energy.  The energy people have coming home from work, where they still have enough zip to be present with the kids, and do homework, and giggle on the chesterfield, and read books.  For the last 5 years I have come home from work with my energy crashed as I spent it all up.  I fall asleep by 8:00 pm, and I beg in my head for the kids to get to bed quickly so I can go to sleep as exhaustion takes over.  I need to have a lot of sleeping time on the weekend to catch up, to start the week on Monday "again". -- Even that language "Monday again" is something to explore.

• The insights are just starting, I am sure over the next few months I will have more. 

Less than a week to the surgery.  I am looking forward of getting this started.

Though I am bored.  I really miss work.   The intellectual stimulation, conversations, interactions, the people.

Still I am enjoying my afternoon nap.

I know I won't miss work as much during recovery (as my mind will be focused on other things).

I am looking forward to getting back to work.

I wonder if I can implement an afternoon nap policy LOL

Planning

So to keep my mind occupied I am researching the Tattoo I am getting once all this is through.

I really like this one

but not on my back.  If I am going to get a tattoo I want to see the thing ever day.  I was thinking of the tree going down my left arm with the owls in the branches.

People are amazing

This past weekend a group of friends came over for D&D weekend as planned.  My mother in law took the kids up to her place in Parry Sound.  We had a chance to talk without little ears listening in.

What an amazing group of people I have in my life.  I broke down a couple of times over the weekend as my emotions ebb and flow.  I am scared, worried, also hopeful and grateful.  Crying one moment, laughing the next.  Kinda like being pregnant with all the hormones going through you.  This weekend these wonderful people helped me feel safely, I could cry, and be afraid.  I could also laugh and be silly. They created a safe place for me to be.

I am not sure if they caught this, but  I watched every single one of them this weekend.  Soaked in the memory, felt gratitude.  Sent each of them my love silently towards them.  I watched them talk and smile and enjoy each others company.  I felt the joy of living with them.  I was very much present with them.  (Yes even when checking my clash of clans, boom beach and cat apps).

At one point I was looking at Chris, my husband, my best friend.  Just watching him.  God I love this man more than words can say.  He loves me too.  He is so courageous right now.  We just have to grow old together.

The support and love I felt was absolutely amazing.

I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.

It gets even better.  Someone has donated a condo and parking spot to Chris 5 blocks away from the hospital in Toronto I will be at, for as long as he needs it.  I started crying as soon as I heard this.  Such a relief that Chris will have a place to stay, where he can also process what he needs to process while I am in hospital.

My Mother in law is coming to help with the kids.

My Dad is working on some sort of plan with my sister.

Friends have offered to come help with laundry and meals when I am back from the hospital.

People from work have contacted me, who I never thought would, providing me support and offering assistance.

The generosity of people is so amazing.

I feel so blessed.

I'd rather be healthy, at work right now.  I'd rather not need the help.  With that said, the amount of kindness and support and honest caring that is out there is just overwhelming.

Thank you everybody
Thank you for me
Thank you for Chris
Thank you for my kids
Thank you for my family
Thank you for my friends

Once this is over I am going to have a great time paying all this love forward to others who are needing it too.