Reflecting & Waiting

This last few days have been about reflection, healing and waiting for the next event.

On the healing part, my thigh is still a bummer, and I don't sit for long periods of times (leg doesn't like bending with the cantaloupe inside of it and stitches).  Luckily God gave us medication. :)

A friend of mine has asked me to read her biography draft book.  It has given me lots to reflect on my own life.  When this book gets published it will be very helpful to lots of people.  The part I am reflecting on is in the Owl quote above, what do I need to let go in my life view that I no longer need.

Her book has a completely different path, but it does get one thinking of one's own life experience and how it shapes us.

We all grow up with life patterns we start learning as children, that make up who we are, how we react to situations.  I am figuring out I am an extroverted shy person.  Here is why (I think.... still reflecting)

As a kid (kindergarten to Grade 8) I was teased by my peers, spent most of my time alone on the playground hiding from the tormentors. I was always afraid of making a mistake, or doing something that would center me out for ridicule or bullying.

You have to remember this was the late 1970's early 1980's and bullying was just what kids did.

Here is one example of what I went through that shaped my worldview.  In public school our grade 7 and 8 class went to another school (about 4 kms away) to go to home economics and shop class.  We walked there and back in a group.  In one of the home economics classes I became the target of a two girls who spread their "game" to the larger group of 35 students.  The game was for people to hit me on my left arm only, nowhere else.  So they chased me around the classroom (teacher ignored it); chased me the 4km back to our school hitting only on my left arm.  I had lots of bruises.  The "mob" effect was well in place, however two brave two girls asked me if I was okay (Emma and Cindy).  That still means something to me.  I also learned to be the one to ask "are you okay", and get involved if I see someone being picked on.  I know how much that means inside to have someone stand up for you.

I went home, showed my parents my bruised and swollen left arm, who were upset and set up an appointment with the teacher. When we went to see the teacher he said, kids will be kids.  Then went on to give an example of last year they took one girls brand name shoes cut them up and destroyed them in front of her in the school yard leaving her without any shoes to wear.  His point to this shoe story was to tell  me and my parents that this is how kids are and you have to suck it up.  He also didn't want to tell one girls parents what happened because she was from a rough household and would probably get beaten up, so better to keep it quiet for her sake.

Now I hope that wouldn't happen in today's schools.

In reflection, the two girls who started this game where both from dysfunctional households, probably with physical and verbal abuse.  I was from a warm and loving family, where we hugged and said I love you every day.  I was the target because they couldn't cope with their really sad situation.  It was made worse because the school knew and didn't rescue these poor kids who needed it more then me, as I went home to a safe place each day.

That is my adult point of view.  As a child, I sort of understood that my tormentors came from really sad and scary homes, but I didn't really understand it.  Today I feel empathy towards those kids, how much did they suffer at home? Did anybody ever stand up for them?  The bullies are the ones who need the most help and compassion.

How did I cope??

First, I only hung around adults.  I was an extravert with adults asking questions, making sure I could follow adult conversation thoughtfully (not like a kid), so I could talk about world news and politics etc..  This gave me acceptance.  When my parents went to house parties with other kids, I refused to go into the basement with the kids, I stayed upstairs with the adults.  Made sure I was useful, not in the way, and good to be around so I was not sent downstairs with the "kids".  I didn't even give these kids a chance, I just hid.  The adults would have pegged me for an extravert.

On the flip side I was shy deep inside I felt the cold hand of fear grip my insides every time I saw a peer (child peer) come my way.  I could not say hello to any other kids without someone forcing me to do so.  I didn't trust my peers.  My internal dialogue was always "Don't screw up so they won't hurt me".  I had a few friends.  Some from my neighbourhood, but they would not hang out with me at public school (as I was a target, you don't hang out with the target).  In childhood I was always waiting for my friends to tell me they didn't like me and dump me. I have to say, I really liked becoming an adult.

As an adult I started trusting my peers (at least the ones who matured emotionally).  I became more extraverted in some situations. In my 40's I am now more self aware of my behaviour, and other people's poor behaviour is much easier to see as nothing personal against me, it is how they are dealing (or not dealing with) their own personal demons.

The pattern I am noting is that even as an Adult I do hold back, deep inside I will hold back participating fully in social situations, making friends, even asking someone to lunch puts butterflies in my stomach.  Yet when someone asks me out for lunch I feel honoured that they would want to eat with me.  Which is odd.  Anyhow, I have lots of time in the next few months to reflect on being human and how us humans create patterns to deal with life.

I have time right now to look for opportunities to shake things up a little.  Right now I have invited peers at work to share my life in Facebook (not that watching pictures of my kids is that exciting).

 I am also saying yes to help when it is offered, but I have to say I have so many offers of help that  it's impossible to take people up on it right away, I am filing the offers in my brain and I will say yes when I need the help. Thankful and grateful for all the wonderful people out there I can call on.  It makes this current life journey much easier.

I focused above on some of the not so happy patterns in life.  Overall though, I learned a lot about the happy things in life too.   I have the family that say's I love you every day and hugs all around.  My home did mimic that of my family growing up.

My parents taught me to look at each person as you would look at them as a newborn baby.  I use that image often when I come across someone who I feel at that moment is a difficult person in front of me.  I look at them and think, they were once the newborn baby full of love and potential, and their life has brought them to this moment now. I calm down inside and think more loving, peaceful and welcoming thoughts about them.  Don't get me wrong, I am no saint.  Sometimes I just get annoyed and vent for a bit, have a bit of my own temper tantrum before I settle down and realise I don't need to go down that path.  Deep breath, try again.

Finally, the medical thing is getting interesting.
I talked to the specialist office today down at Mount Sinai Hospital by phone to check in on my biopsy results.  The biopsy is not ready yet.  They have a really neat approach.  They expect the biopsy results soon.  Then, on February 22nd there is a meeting of a group of doctors, technicians, researchers etc..to go over all the Sarcoma patients results and they talk together as a team about the next steps.  What a great way of looking at things.  Instead of one guy looking and results and saying this is what we need to do, a group collaborate together and review options and have discussions and can work through together the pros and cons before the patient gets the results.  This means it is well thought out before it gets to me, and gives me more confidence in the information being presented.